We pdocs in white gabardine,
Welcome you to locked ward 14.
Make you complaints,
We have rEEeestraints.
Now tell us all you're seeing.
Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!
Affect: Wonder
Eyes shine bright.
Breathing: Rapid
Mood: contrite
Showing much fun --
Must numb this some.
Let's see what meds could be right.
Thorazine to offer have I --
Sure to take that gleam from your eye.
You might slow some,
Feel like chEWewed gum,
Notice no one nearby.
Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!
BP dx,
Mood phase light,
Seems to want sex
With nurse Wright.
Ignores most rules --
Thinks we're all fools.
Soon we must set this one right.
I bring Haldol, drink this right down;
It will bring you back to the ground.
Come convulsion,
We'll add COgentin --
You may feel muscle bound.
Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!
Axis One: schiz
Haze not slight.
Borderline fits:
Quick to fight.
Wanders in group.
Yells with loud whoop.
Good to see tx plan's tight.
Be glad to know I give no med --
I instead go straight to your head.
You'll need no pill,
'Cause with mYYyy drill;
I'll remove all your dread.
Oooooh OOOHHHH!!!
Day is over;
Time for a toast.
Safe's the secret
We guard the most:
Under this fun,
WE are THE ONE:
Father, Son and Freudian host.
dp
Rudolf the BP reindeer
Rudolf the BP (Bi-Polar) reindeer
Was dx'ed bipolar one.
He could sink to the lowest,
Or fly straight into the sun.
All of the other reindeer
Used to play games with his meds.
They like to laugh at Rudolf
When he would hide from the Feds.
Then one groggy Christmas Eve,
Hitched lead to the sleigh,
Rudolf with his head so light,
Stranded Santa in the night.
Now all the other reindeer
Hope he finds his sanity.
They, all the toys and Rudolf --
Last seen over Helsinki.
dp
Paranoia's Coming to Town
Ooooohhhhh
You better not shout
To all whom you see.
Don't write about
The Conspiracy:
Paranoia's coming to town.
You couldn't have missed --
Checked everywhere twice,
Still couldn't find
The bugging device.
Paranoia's coming to town.
You know that they are peeping,
Which keeps you wide awake.
Pretty soon you can't tell bad from good,
Or the real threat from the fake.
Sooooooo
You'd better not scout
To discover their key.
Get too far out,
It's insanity.
Paranoia's coming to town.
Paranoia's coming to town.
Paranoia's comiiiiing tooooo town.
dp
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my pdoc (psychiatrist) gave to me
A dx (diagnosis) of insanity.
On the second day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Two caps of lithium
Which made both of my hands all shaky.
On the third day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
And now I can barely see.
On the fourth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
Now my mouth tastes like soiled undies.
On the fifth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
I will never pay off that shopping spree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Six caps of Dalmane
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
Whoa, my feet feel so awful heavy.
On the seventh day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Dalmane
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
I'm becoming a lock-jawed zombie.
On the eighth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Eight wedges Serzone
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Dalmane
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvlules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
Oh, my head is so sore and dizzy.
On the ninth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Nine doses Nardil
Eight wedges Serzone
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Dalmane
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvlules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
A tub of water and I'm still so thirsty.
On the tenth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Ten more Effexor
Nine doses Nardil
Eight wedges Serzone
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Dalmane
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvlules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
Now all it can do is just pee.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Eleven Paxil dancing
Ten more Effexor
Nine doses Nardil
Eight wedges Serzone
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Dalmane
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvlules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
I just know he is out to get me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my pdoc gave to me
Twelve shots of Thorazine
Eleven Paxil dancing
Ten more Effexor
Nine doses Nardil
Eight wedges Serzone
Seven tabs of Haldol
Six caps of Dalmane
Fiiiiiive benzzzzzadriiiiine.
Four hits of Zoloft
Three puvules Prozac
Two caps of lithium
And a quick ride to Emergency.
dp
Frosty The Snowman
Crossley the pdoc
Was a very scary soul --
With a big, red nose,
His mismatched hose,
And a heart made out of coal.
Crossley the pdoc
Changed my meds without my say.
But they'd worked for me --
Kept my sanity --
So I came to life that day.
There must have been some magic
In those new pills that he found,
For when I forced them down his throat
He began to thrash around.
Ohhhhhhh
Crossley the pdoc
Doesn't work there anymore;
Says there's much less fear
Pushing cigs and beer
At the downtown liquor store.
dp
Silver Bells
Crowded sidewalk;
Loud, rude snide talk --
Line to Wal-Mart's a mile,
As I'm shopping in mixed mood for Christmas.
Feel like laughing, crying, crashing,
Meds cannot buffer the bile.
Pressure builds in my head and I hear:
Silver bells.
Silver bells.
I glance at all faces quickly.
Ring-a-ling.
Ding-a-ling.
If they do hear they don't say.
Duck a catfight,
Grab some dance tights --
Elbow smashes my ear,
At the Clearance Sale table for Christmas.
Got a tie tack,
A backhand slap,
And I fall on my rear;
My mouth gapes wide open as I see:
Silver bells.
Silver bells.
Strange little chrome things surround me.
Hear them ring.
I wanna scream.
In this store I cannot stay.
Off the floor now,
Need the door now,
Shoppers clogging the aisles
Don't give in easily when it's Christmas.
Have to pull hair;
God, almost there --
Swinging door stops my smile.
I spin 'round, hit the wall and I see:
Tinkerbells.
Tinkerbells.
Fairies all flying around me.
Hear them sing --
And they ring --
EVERYONE OUT OF MY WAY.
Finally I'm home,
Sev'ring the phone --
Fairies still fill the air.
Worse, they sing me songs written for Christmas.
But it's my turf,
So it's not worth
Me tearing my hair.
I pull open a drawer and I seize:
Purple pills.
Purple pills.
I need them most every Christmas.
No more sing.
No more ring.
That's how I like Christmas Day.
dp
Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me).
MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION -
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All Is Calm, All Is Pretty Lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE -
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).
Top Ten Reasons that you might have Bi-polar disorder
10. You think Robin Williams should Perk Up.
9. You just bought the Kenny G and Berry Manilow box set just
because.
8. You think going to bed on Monday and getting up on Friday is a
good rest.
7. What do you mean you're tired -- I had only 3 orgasms!
6. You can not remember the number 7.
5. You know the names of at least three antidepressants and fifteen
mood stabilizers.
4. Your cat's name is Kay and your dog's name is Jamison.
3. You bring your own research to the doctor's.
2. You think a drive from Vancouver, BC to Miami is something to do
in four days.
And the Number One reason you may be Bipolar is:
1. Last night you understood the secrets to the universe and this
morning you are contemplating whether the jam goes on top of the
peanut butter or under it.
Or for those of you on the Net:
1B. You know who James is.
Top 10 Reasons Your Girl Friend Might have Bi-Polar Disorder.
10. She is blond AND still has an IQ of 140.
9. She thinks PMS is for wimps.
8. There are times in the year were she STOPS talking.
7. She is the one in the Club dancing with glow sticks.
6. She takes drugs to have a normal state instead of freaking out.
5.One word - EXTREME
4. Always interesting.
3. DON'T PISS HER OFF.
2. Never any problem with money, because she will have spent it all.
And the Number One Reason You Know Your Girl Friend is Bi-Polar.
1. She is the most interesting ,smart, caring, beautiful, sexy, loving
person you will ever have the honor to meet.
